Random Fate

Pointed parody wherein I suspect the targets will completely miss the humor

I wonder if this will give the Darwin Fish a run for the money?

Jim Leftwich's Flying Spaghetti Monster T-shirt at Boing Boing store

Just what is the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you ask?

Well, here is one depiction:

From Wikipedia:

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is a parody religion created to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to allow intelligent design to be taught in science classes alongside evolution.

The "religion" has since become an Internet phenomenon garnering many followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sometimes referring to themselves as "Pastafarians", a pun on Rastafarians) preaching the word of their "noodly master" as the one true religion.

It originated with an open letter to the Kansas State Board of Education:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Given how poorly most American high school students understand the science that is taught in the schools, what sane person wants their faith taught in the schools?

Their beliefs would get distorted beyond all recognition. Believe me, I had to "unteach" all the strange things that the students in my college class had "learned" in high school about science; it was not pretty.

Be careful when you advocate teaching belief in a science class.

Technorati Tags: commentary, evolution, humor, intelligent design, parody, science

Icons are shorthand, but what exactly do they mean?

An icon I have never seen before has just cropped up on one of my Konfabulator weather monitors: a sun partially obscured by a cloud with lightning and rain emerging beneath it.

So, does this mean "partly cloudy with a bit of rain and Zeus pissed off enough to shoot at you"?

Technorati Tags: humor

It doesn't mention anything about hairy palms, though

From The Economist (sorry, subscription required, but it's worth it!):

Cor blimey
Aug 18th 2005
From The Economist print edition

Gory and erotic images can affect your vision

IT'S true. Pornography can make you blind. Look at a smutty picture and, according to research by Steven Most, of Yale University, and his colleagues, you will suffer from a temporary condition known as emotion-induced blindness.

Dr Most made this discovery while studying the rubbernecking effect (when people slow down to stare at a car accident). Rubbernecking represents a serious lapse of attention to the road, but he wondered if the initial reaction to such gory scenes could cause smaller lapses. The answer is, it does. What he found was that when people look at gory images - and also erotic ones - they fail to process what they see immediately afterwards. This period of blindness lasts between two-tenths and eight-tenths of a second. That is long enough for a driver transfixed by an erotic advert on a billboard to cause an accident.

Hmmm... this might explain a LOT.

Dr Most thinks that the explanation for this temporary blindness is that there is an information-processing bottleneck in the brain when it is presented with important stimuli. When the human brain was evolving, such stimuli would not have been two-dimensional images. They would, rather, have been part of the real world. Gory scenes would have had survival value (ie, "am I going to be next?"), while erotic ones would have had reproductive value. Paying attention to the landscape would have been a distraction.

In the age of photography, though, it is the image that is the distraction, and if the distracted individual is traveling at speed in a car, such distraction could be fatal. So the team carried out a second series of experiments, still unpublished, that were intended to discover whether their subjects could override this emotion-induced temporary blindness by using what they rather grandiloquently called an "attentional strategy" (ie, focusing harder on the target image). This was arranged by asking the subjects to find not any rotated photo, but a rotated photo of a building, in the array of images. The fact that they had to pay attention to both content and orientation meant they focused harder. As the researchers had expected, in this version of the experiment subjects were, on average, better at spotting the target image.

But that average concealed some interesting differences that depended on a subject's personality. The researchers knew from previous studies that the more neurotic someone is, the worse he is at controlling his attention, so they decided to see how a measure of neuroses known as the harm-avoidance scale correlated with their results. The harm-avoidance scale is a measure of a person's reaction to negative or frightening stimuli. They found that the lower a subject's score on this scale was, the more successful he was at detecting the target. This information might be useful when considering the reliability of witnesses to crimes.

Interesting, even, dare I say, fascinating...

Technorati Tags: humor, science, science & technology, science and technology

Canadians and Mexicans are remarkably tolerant...

...along with Brazilians, Columbians, and the list goes on and on.

They are "Americans" too.

It is a peeve of mine (not quite to the level of a pet peeve, I reserve that for people insisting that I should eat yogurt instead of ice cream... I have a completely unreasonable opposition to ever eating yogurt... I plan to die never having eaten yogurt... but back to the topic) that we reserve the word "American" for a person from the United States.

Canadians are Americans, because they live in North America.

Columbians are Americans, because they live in South America.

Of course, what the heck do we call people from the United States of America?

Statesians?

Unis?

Usas?

Heck... I guess we have the balls to name ourselves after two continents.

Technorati Tags: humor

For any Star Wars geek...

...here is the abridged version of the latest movie, and the ultimate commentary on the "prequel trilogy"...

One of the many reasons I like English culture

Where else would politicians use a Monty Python sketch to describe the death of a major political initiative?

Monty Python parrot sketch recalled
Ministers pulled the plug on a British referendum on the controversial EU constitution yesterday, following the emphatic defeats in France and Holland.
Political Editor Simon McGee reports.

IT breathes not and it moves not, but Foreign Secretary Jack Straw yesterday refused to say what is clearly visible to all - that the EU constitutional treaty is dead.

As all 25 member states are required to say "yes", the French and Dutch votes mean that as it stands it cannot come into effect.

But caught between France and Germany, still insisting every country should see through their own ratification processes, and Article IV-447, which lays out the requirement for unanimous ratification, Mr Straw went for the careful balancing act of announcing in a Commons statement that a British referendum should be "postponed".

Shadow Foreign Secretary Liam Fox declared the treaty was dead and plenty more MPs made the same point, but it took the honourable Member for Bolsover, Denis Skinner, to point out that the situation had something of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch about it.

Mr Skinner suggested sending the French President a copy of the said clip.

I'm not sure President Chiraq would understand the humor...

And England was also the country that produced this biting, dry humor exemplified by Monty Python that appeals to me so greatly and is so apropos of the current situation with the proposed EU Constitution.

'Nuff said...

The ultimate dream job for a (single) guy...

...can be found at The Smoking Gun, courtesy of Rick's Cafe Americain.

Nice work if you can get it... and keep it...

If we're all going to Hell...

...at least we now know what we can use to buy a handbasket.

Technorati Tags: humor

Some folks have way too much time on their hands...

...but at least they have a sense of humor, too!

From How Stuff Works: How Lightsabers Work

Be sure to check out the various household applications: it slices, it dices, it toasts bagels while cutting them in half.

10,000 uses!

A lightsaber is even better than a Ginsu knife...

I can't wait for the first infomercial.

Technorati Tags: humor

Painful geek joke

There are 10 types of people: those who know binary, and those who don't.
   -Anonymous

An important question

Tonight I am having for dinner a meal including one of my favorite dishes, something I have only been able to make after my parents sent me supplies from the US, because the ingredients are not easily available here in France.

As I prepare to eat, an very important question arises which if answered poorly could detrimentally affect the entire meal. This is a question that needs an answer before I start, a vital question.

What wine goes best with macaroni and cheese?

I always wondered about that...

Perhaps this merits a caption contest?

My suggestion, from the first (i.e. 1977) Star Wars movie:

Aren't you a little short for an Imperial Stormtrooper?
   -Princess Lea

We have done worse

From graffiti in Ecuador, where there is a political crisis involving their President:

SpongeBob for President!!

I think it's an idea whose time has come!

Anyone want to help make a logo?

There's software to do almost everything

I find this somehow oddly amusing:

Press Release Creator

Our brand new software will help you create a press release, It's a great tool whether you know how to write one or not. Enter the information prompted for and out comes a press release at the click of a mouse.

I'm not exactly sure why I find humor in it, other than now not only are reporters not writing their stories (instead repeating press releases), but HUMANS are no longer writing the stories.

I have an odd sense of humor sometimes...

Changing times

I spotted this bit the other day:

Congress may extend daylight-saving time

Thursday, April 7, 2005 Posted: 1416 GMT (2216 HKT)

WASHINGTON (AP) -- If Congress passes an energy bill, Americans may see more daylight-saving time.

Lawmakers crafting energy legislation approved an amendment Wednesday to extend daylight-saving time by two months, having it start on the first Sunday in March and end on the last Sunday in November.

"Extending daylight-saving time makes sense, especially with skyrocketing energy costs," said Rep. Fred Upton, R-Michigan, who along with Rep. Ed Markey, D-Massachusetts, co-sponsored the measure.

The amendment was approved by the House Energy and Commerce Committee that is putting together major parts of energy legislation likely to come up for a vote in the full House in the coming weeks.

"The more daylight we have, the less electricity we use," said Markey, who cited Transportation Department estimates that showed the two-month extension would save the equivalent of 10,000 barrels of oil a day.

While I doubt he intended it this way, the final statement sounds like Representative Markey believes that daylight-saving time creates more daylight, rather than shifting the clocks to accommodate our regimented, clock-driven lives to the natural changes in sunrise and sunset times during the course of the year.

Of course, given this is Congress, perhaps they DO believe they can pass a law that gives us more daylight...

Suggested text for a living will

I'm sure this is making the rounds via email (which is how I got it), but it's worth posting anyway.

---

Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma or vegetative state. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

iPods dangerous to your (social) life?

Health warnings for iPods.

For those awaking to a hangover from celebrating Saint Patrick's Day...

...here are two quotes to remember:

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.    -Unknown

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
   -Ed McMahon

Well?

Makes perfect sense to me...

From the "intentional irony" bin...

...comes this tale of an amusing parody of End User License Agreements (aka EULAs).

A response to those ridiculous "teamwork" exhortations...

...that you get all the time from your employer, who really doesn't care about YOU:

There's no "I" in "team" but there is a "me" if you jumble it up a little....

Don't mess with cats...

...because this was NO accident...

Cat Shoots Owner With 9mm Handgun

BATES TOWNSHIP, Mich. - A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said.

Joseph Stanton, 29, of Bates Township in Iron County, was shot in his lower torso around 6 p.m. Tuesday, the state police post in Iron River reported. He was transported to Iron County Community Hospital.

Cats don't screw around if you piss them off, they just kick your ass...

Houston, we just may have a problem...

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

So what market is this aimed at?

Who thought they could come up with a politically incorrect knife holder?

This probably couldn't be sold in the US...

Deja vu all over again?

You have to wonder.... from the 1980s:

Irrelevant question of the day

Why was he called the Lone Ranger if he was always hanging out with Tonto?

Just wondering...

I'm still not sure what was in those Scooby-snacks, either, but I'm sure Shaggy was smokin' somethin' there in the back of the Mystery Machine... Think about it, a bunch of kids, dressed in bright clothes with no visible sources of income... always traveling around...

Yes, it's a Saturday, and I'm avoiding preparing for the class I teach for three hours on Tuesday.

Deep question of the week

Just what exact was in those Scooby-snacks, anyway?

A horror from the past

Be afraid...

Be VERY afraid.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

He has a point here

Ouch...

A timeless metaphor, or just a humorous observation of unintended consequences?

From the archives of Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson:

Think about this one for a while...

Some advice for the holidays

I'd follow this advice before going to bed instead of before leaving the house...

From The Onion...

Satire at its very best.

---

Link from Dean's World.

Only the French would be THIS blasé...

Indeed, it's possible that someone will have a surprise when he opens his bag.

More eBay weirdness

The best humor arises from pathos? I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling after reading this:

Woman Auctions Father's Ghost on EBay

HOBART, Ind. (AP) - A woman's effort to assuage her 6-year-old son's fears of his grandfather's ghost by selling it on eBay has drawn more than 34 bids with a top offer of $78.

Mary Anderson said she placed her father's "ghost" on the online auction site after her son, Collin, said he was afraid the ghost would return someday. Anderson said Collin has avoided going anywhere in the house alone since his grandfather died last year.

What do you charge for shipping and handling for a ghost?

The dark side of blogging?

Pennywit thinks he may have a problem...

Time for an intervention, perhaps?

If you're looking for a good example of poetic justice...

...then go read the story Sam tells at The Brier Patch.

Maybe it might be better described as being hoist by one's own petard.

Yet more from the "picture is worth a thousand words" file...

From one of the weirder comic strips which has an admittedly twisted sense of humor itself, a perspective on French humor:

Men can be remarkably simple creatures

I read weblogs written by people of all veiwpoints, and there are two that I expected would always be like matter and antimatter to each other. However, in an odd bit of coincidental timing, both have posted on the one thing in the universe that David and Rob do agree on, despite being on opposite sides of the political spectrum. As Rob so eloquently puts it, "Costa Rican wimmen are BEAUTIFUL."

That may be the one thing that saves the human race, because no matter what the differences between men are, they always agree about beautiful women...

Not meaning to say anything bad about LeeAnn...

...because I'm not. She lives a very, shall we say, interesting life.

This overheard conversation is just wrong, on so many levels.

My brain hurts...

(a gold star to whoever can give me the reference to the above remark, and what the correct response is...)

Are all "innovations" good ones?

I'm not sure if we should thank this man or curse him...

His innovation is nice to look at in many circumstances, but damned inconvenient sometimes if I'm clumsy and can't undo it one-handed.

LeeAnn strikes again

And it hits the gut of every man... Ouch...

In more ways than one.

Yet another reason why the Internet is so great

You have just got to go here and check out the different sections... believe me... I laughed out loud...

Thanks to Rob at Gut Rumbles for the link (like he really needs a trackback from my little blog, but it is the polite thing to do...)

Non-political headline of the day with an unintended meaning...

New breast implants more natural, firm says

Think about it...

UPDATE: They rearranged the last two words of the headline... ah, the ephemeral nature of the Web...

Since the candidates have turned into caricatures

Among TV characters, Homer Simpson is the favorite in the UK for being the US President.

I'm not sure he'd be worse than the two major candidates we have now...

Meanwhile, on Earth...

On something other than politics, here's something I received from a friend/co-worker still in the US:

Subject: Topic of the week: exotica tea , do I need to smoke after having this?

I'm not joking, This following written on the package of tea that I got in the break room today.

"Exotica: This extraordinarily rare tea is produced only in Fukien province from 100% 'tip' or buds of a special tea plant. These tea leaves are plucked at dawn on only two days of the year. White tea produces a pale golden cup, with no astringency and a hint of sweetness. It's very subtle taste is a treat for the connoisseur."

Do I drink this stuff, or pour it down my pants?

I guess I should have rinsed out my coffee cup before I poured me a cup of this crap.

Then there's this follow-up email from the ever reliable Stan:

Plucked only twice a year? Must be married (Christmas and Anniversary assuming you didn't forget a gift)

Thanks for the smile, Dave and Stan...

On another note related to things musical

Note to self: Take the Crystal Method version of the James Bond theme OFF of the iPod playlist for listening while driving.

It's NOT a good thing to listen to while driving a Renault diesel engined car in the rain on a French highway, for reasons both obvious and obscure. Take my word for it...

Peggin' the old Geek-O-Meter at 11

I've downloaded and set up remote access software on two of my laptop computers so I can use one PC laptop to remotely control iTunes on the PC laptop hooked up to my stereo. That way I can indulge my fickle musical muse without having to haul my butt up off the couch while surfing the web on my Mac PowerBook.

I may be lucky I'm not in the US where electronic stuff is cheap, I might have borgified my entire house by now...

Addendum to the Debate Drinking Game

Another rule for the Debate Drinking Game:

One drink every time Kerry says "I have a plan"

Who needs the campaign spinmeisters when we can make our heads spin from the golden words of our candidates without the spinmeisters' help?

Since I haven't done one of these silly things in a while...

A-la Sam and Key:

R	Relaxed
A	Amazing
N	Nice
D	Delightful
O	Outrageous
M	Mischievous
F	Funky
A	Accurate
T	Tame
E	Easy

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

How can you be "outrageous" and "tame" at the same time???

A drinking game for the second debate

One drink every time Bush says "hard work"

One drink every time Kerry says "wrong"

After the first debate, you wouldn't be able to see straight, which might help you understand the shifting spin from BOTH sides...

Not what I expected to see in Belgium

Parking in Europe isn't ALWAYS difficult, if you have the right kind of vehicle...

Not all is doom and gloom

Those of you with high bandwidth connections have to watch this. Watch the whole thing with the sound on.

If you know anything about past (and current) trends in computer gaming, you'll appreciate it.

Link from David at In Search of Utopia.

More creativity from the Commissar

The Commissar at The Politburo Diktat is distracting himself from the elevated terrorism alert at his workplace by looking at yearbooks.

I still think the Commissar was in the Satire Society...

In the email inbox today...

From my friend Stan, who epitomizes the RetroSexual Man...

(originally posted here, thanks to Boudicca for the link)

---

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand of these "Girlie Men" and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

You can't make this stuff up...

I wonder if they they also make paper out of donkey dung...

Paper made in Sri Lanka from elephant dung was presented to US President George W Bush by former Sri Lankan prime minister Ranil Wickeremesinghe during a visit to Washington in July 2002, according to a media report in Washington.

The Kansas City Star said Wickremesinghe presented Bush with a box of elephant dung writing paper, envelopes and name cards. The elephant, the paper pointed out, is the symbol of Bush's Republican Party, but it was immediately not known whether he has used the paper.

According to the paper, the Sri Lankan company that made personalised stationery for Bush from paper made of elephant dung is asking people to use its products to help the country's dwindling elephant population.

Sheets made of elephant dung have a unique colour and texture, depending on the diet, age and dental health of the elephant that has produced the dung, said Rohan Martis, a sales executive for the company, Maximus.

If they also made paper out of donkey dung, then the two parties could send snail mail to each other expressing their true mutual disdain.

From The Moderate Voice via Dean's World.

Telephone technical support

Everything that needs to be said about telephone technical support is said here.

From the email virtual bag... Why Kirk is better than Picard

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him"four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls

From the email virtual bag... Why Kirk is better than Picard

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him"four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls