Not only is forty-two the answer to life, the universe, and everything, it is how old I turn today. I have survived forty-two trips around the sun, but this last one was among the most tumultuous of them all.

One year ago, I lived in France, and on my birthday my father was admitted to the hospital because of a problem he had with his intestines. Two weeks later we discover it was a recurrence of his cancer, but moved from his bladder to other parts of his body. Six weeks after that I was on a plane back to the United States, having made the fastest repatriation of anyone in my company.

I have moved three times this year, and in two weeks I will be moving a fourth time, into a house I hope I will live in for many years.

My father died this last December; I saw him pass at 3:00AM on the day after Christmas after a long night vigil.

Throughout this year, there have been days I wished would never end, and nights when my demons were raging and would not be drowned out no matter how much Scotch nor how loud the music.

I have gained much in my life, but I also have lost much, I have had joys both public and private, and sorrows known to many and things to mourn that I keep to myself.

I married for the second and last time this last July, on the beach in Florida with rain clouds all around us but a hole in the storm overhead; ironically enough, this event bookended a decade that began with my divorce in July of 1996, ten years of immense change in my life and in myself.

During that decade I transformed myself from someone I did not like to someone I feel I can be proud of, although I am still human, and I still make human mistakes, both egregious and minor resulting in actions that I regret and am ashamed of.

In the course of my divorce, I discovered that I was not a person I respected, not someone who could look back upon his life with pride, so I set out to change that.

I set out to destroy myself.

While it is often described as “deconstruction� it is really destruction, a subtle word does not fully encompass the magnitude, difficulty, or effect of the task, and minimization does more harm than good.

Creation arises out of destruction, and more often than not the new cannot be built until the old is swept away.

I needed to create a new me, someone I respected and trusted, for if you cannot respect and trust yourself, what do you have other than nothing?

I was lost, and even the trite tripe that passes for wisdom on the Internet affected me in those early days nearly a decade past. I continue to discover the tripe is not so trite.

I’ve learned-that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned- that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned- that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other and just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned- that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people that don’t even know you.

I’ve learned-that even when you think that you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.

And the hardest lesson of this year:

I’ve learned-that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Forty-two, it may be the answer to life, the universe, and everything to some. To me, it now means something different, both happy and sad, wistful and joyful, a year that had more than 365 days of events.

Technorati Tags: personal